[Intro]        [Verse] The piano has been drinking My necktie is asleep And the combo went back to New York The jukebox has to take a leak And the carpet needs a haircut And the spotlight looks like a prison break Cause the telephone’s out of cigarettes And the balcony’s on the make And the piano has been drinking The piano has been drinking And the menus are all freezing And the light man’s blind in one eye And he can’t see out of the other And the piano-tuner’s got a hearing aid And he showed up with his mother And the piano has been drinking The piano has been drinking Cause the bouncer is a sumo wrestler Cream puff Casper milk toast And the owner is a mental midget With the I.Q. of a fencepost Cause the piano has been drinking The piano has been drinking And you can’t find your waitress With a geiger counter And she hates you and your friends And you just can’t get served without her And the box-office is drooling And the bar stools are on fire And the newspapers were fooling And the ash-trays have retired Cause the piano has been drinking The piano has been drinking The piano has been drinking Not me not me not me not me not me not me not me.