THE LAUGHING GNOME I was walking- down the high street- when I heard footsteps behind me, and there was a little old man in scarlet and grey, chuckling away. Well he trotted- back to my house- and he sat beside the telly, with his tiny hands on his tummy, chuckling away, chugging all day. [spoken] "I ought to report you to the gnome office." "Gnome office, ha,ha,ha!" Ha,ha, ha!- Hee,hee, hee!- I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me.- Ha,ha, ha!- Hee,hee, hee!- I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me.- Said the laughing gnome. Well I gave him- roasted toad-stools- And a glass of dandelion wine. Then I put him on a train to Eastbourne and carried his bag and gave him a fag. "Ave you got a light boy?" "'Ere! Where do you come from?" "Gnome-man's land." "Oh,really." In the morning- when I woke up- he was sitting on the edge of my bed- with his brother whose name was Fred. He'd brought him along- to sing me a song.- "Alright let's here it?" "'Ere! what's that clicking sound?" "That's Fred. He's a metrognome." "Own up. I'm a gnome, ain' I?" "Ain't you got a gnome to go to?" "No! We're gnomads." "Didn't they teach you to get your 'aircut at school? You look like a rolling gnome." "Not at the London school of Ecognomics." Now they staying- up the chimney- and we're living on caviar and honey- 'cause they're earning me lots of money,writing comedy prose for radio shows. "It's the er- it's the gnome service, of course." [repeat chorus and fade]